Feeling Good?

I always thought i had a bit of a muddled personality, it's only relatively recently, as I've got better & better that I've realised I am actually quite outgoing.

A few years ago an outgoing & friendly colleague told me that she struggled with depression & she 'just wanted to lie in bed and face the wall' ... this triggered a realisation in me that my preference to films & books than real life clearly that showed how fear of rejection and other things were tied in with - and possible to do with the cause of - my chronic fatigue.

I remembered an early - vehemently rejected by myself - diagnoses of clinical depression, now making more sense in the light or realisation that the CFS had emotional causes.

One proof has been God putting me in charge of a small group, an enjoyment of coming alongside people and visiting them (although, let's face it, popping in means I can dictate the terms; ... I am still not good at being popped in on!!)

But I felt it was all for nothing this week - after 'dancing' through the days following the Faith for Healing conference; clearly seeing new progress - and thoroughly enjoyed a Team Day with my new 'team' (who are great!) when i was brought down to earth with a decided bump by the random appearance of fluey stomach bug symptoms which continued througout the weekend, cancelling out a party & get togethers with friends and prevented me from partaking of the goodbye lunch in the office, or - and this is serious! - of the scrummy bacon & brie (warm) baguette my colleague treated me to on Thursday AND the treacle tart searched for by my boss especially as a known favourite!

Well, 2 of the 3 texts sent out cancelling appointments were ignored, making me, for a while feel unmissed/ unloved etc. '
However, just as I was starting to feel sorry for myself, I found myself planning how I could turn it into a blog ... thus ceasing to sob & beginning to put pen to paper.

'Maybe I'm a writer!' I thought; still SO enticed by the thought of being a 'something'.
(And immediately had visions of myself lurking in bookshops waiting to see who, if anyone, purchased my 'book' or spending saturdays pouncing on unsuspecting readers in all the local libraries and asking them if they've read .... by Sarah Lidbury yet. (Not keen on that name for a writer actually, a nom de plume might be called for ...)
SARAH WAKE UP!! Sorry - where was I...

Both feeling ill and neglected (violins!) proved good reminders of God's goodness to me, past and present.

1. feeling so bad physically & lacking in motivation again - I've seen so much of God's faithfulness throughout continued unhappy situations that I didn't start to worry at all, as I might have done once.

2. His healing work in me...I would once have been unable to stop friends' lack of interest really getging to me.

(In fact, one friend (who has deteriorating MS) rang to see how I was. (Debbie, you can never read this but I said I'd mention you!)

Both the need to be a something and the need to be loved are so human and natural - and God often has amazing opportunities for us that we might not suspect in one or both areas.

I - like many I'm sure - have had years of God working in me just to get me to this point of taking things to him (almost) immediately (and still not always) but for a long time, those slights or rejections would go really deep. And I can still feel resentful or bitter at past unresolved situations.

As Paul shows so powerfully in Romans 7 (v2 1 +)our walk with God is a struggle between our old nature and the new. The old nature & struggles will be different things for different people. I suffer from these character flaws (many rooted in deep low self esteem, but flaws none the less) as others do from a temptation to drink too much, for example.

But focussing on God's truth about who we are and our new nature is key to staying in a happy state of mind.

All the good emotional & physiological feelings I experienced after the Ram Babu session could have tempted me away from remembering that truth comes before feelings.

And when you remember the truth & start reminding yourself of the love & faithfulness of God and his care for us ... feeling good will actually often follow!

I'd been feeling better & 'weller' & happier lately ... and then not again ... but it's OK; God has used it to remind me that it's truth not feelings that count. The truth says Jesus is with us always & is our true & only constant source of love & happiness. And there is always hope.

Faith for Healing

Well it's proving an unbelievably hectic week; as there is yet no successor to my post I am having to get loads of things sorted in only 4 days (I'm staying at work late & everything ...a new experience for me!) but I was determined to find the time to write a blog about my fantastic experience of last Saturday.

I finally heard & saw the famous (within NFI certainly) Ram Babu, an amazing passionate & well known Indian evangelist with a healing ministry. I am still on a high from how God touched me that afternoon. Ram Babu was excited to be given the opportunity to teach about healing, rather than preach the gospel - (much as he loves to do that) because he feels that God wants to impart healing giftings & ministries to many people ... he made the point that there are no heroes now; no Moses, Elijahs, Gideons - the Priesthood of Believers referred to in the NT means that we can all move in God's power through the gifting of His Holy Spirit.

Well everything He - and the other speakers that day - said made such sense and here are a few of the points:

1. (T Virgo) God is Healer; it's not just what He does sometimes; it's who He is (Exodus 15 v26)

(As A Wilson says in Incomparable ...whether or not He chooses to heal at a given moment He is always Yahweh-your-healer. It was His name when the Israelites came out of Egypt and it still is. When God reveals His name we need to take notice, because it is a revelation of His character. Healing is not something God did once & may or may not do now, it is part of who He is')

2. Healing may include inner healing; God wants more than we do ... Ram had testimony of this happening at his healing meetings

3. Jesus didn't worry about 'not enough faith' - like the guy in the gospels who confessed his unbelief but wanted to believe

4. ESSENTIAL to his ministry is spending quality time with God - relationship with God is the key to being used by Him in any way. Ram said he doesn't just get on the stage and start 'doing his stuff' without spending much time with God first.

But both Terry & Ram Babu made a point that really made me think:
'Jesus never said sickness could be helpful or redemptive'.

And I thought; they're right - it's never used as an eg of disclipline in the NT.
YET I know that God has used my lack of health to really change me over the years as well as to bless me in other, unasked for, ways. I know that God is more concerned with our characters & our hearts & our walk with Him than with anything - because He's concerned with our Eternal 'good health'.

During the years of wresting with this issue I have encountered all sorts of teaching & ideas about this ... including the 'lack of faith' one.
And there's no doubt that in my journey of inner healing I've seen that forgivness is key (John 20 v 23) & can sometimes block healing (however hard, ask God to help... even if you say 'i want to forgive but can't')
I love Corrie Ten Boom's illustration of God's circle of protection over us being broken if there's some unconfessed wrong we've done.
Terry mentioned a lady who he'd prayed with who had left her husband and was denying the wrong ... she admitted it to him and immediately the prayer of faith saw her healed.

Sometimes there seems to be NO explanation. Only God knows everything. And He asks us to walk in faith (remember; Abraham sacrificing Isaac was 'credited to him as righteousness).

The writings of Catherine Marshall finally ended my struggle with this ... she had seen a miraculous healing of an illness that kept her bed-bound for a year. But later on saw no healing from problem of Emphysema she struggled with . This word especially has been helpful to me:

'When you obey, I do more than handle one litle thing. You've been demanding an instant miracle. I want a healing of the whole woman. You've been asking for one blessing; obedience is the door through which I plan to flood you with blessings.'

I realised on Saturday that maybe I should look at my experience in a different way; God has blessed me as He as been gradually healing me, from the inside out. The healing, rather than the sickness itself, is the way He has blessed me ...?

The truth remains though; what God is & has been doing in me is so much more than 'just a miracle'... if He's just 'pow healed' me (!) then I would have probably bounded off in life away from Him. And so much would not have happened for good for me; so much work done in me; confidence, compassion for others, understanding & closeness with Him.

During the ministry on Saturday I was praying & open to healing; I knew I might not see a sudden healing for me, but I would see God moving on further His healing work.

God has been and still is, very powerfully, healing me from the inside out. I'm gradually getting better & better; with occasions (like Saturday) where a big leap forward feels to have happened. A verse God gave me months ago ('strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord') that song came up again in the following day's service at church. And I can see it; I am literally living that.

God loves to heal us of our sicknesses. But He sometimes has SO much more for us; Inner healing can be part of everyone's Christian journey, as we are moulded & shaped to be more like Him.

Praise God that His name is 'Yahweh our Healer'

(Dedicated to my good friend Josh who, when texted on the train to Faith for Healing Day replied 'I look forward to reading about it in your blog!')!

Plunging in ...

Well - I have a week to go; there has still been minimal work coming in and I have become more & more lax (and therefore disobedient) about internet use ... although we are allowed half an hour a day. Is it OK to have relaxed in this way because I know that I won't get the chance in my new job ... does that offset it ... is it OK that part of the reason I have become so lax is not just through lack of work - but because the guys mainly in my office don't do any work?!

Well I've taken a step of faith into a job that will require mental & social alertness; a plunge into the deep end is required to cure my partly-habitual mental stagnation. But there's something about the prospect of the initial floundering & clutching onto more seasoned 'swimmers' that has been causing me to anticipate the change with much nervousness! Only people who've had the kind of mental fatigue I've known over years, will appreciate the humiliation & knock to self esteem that can be inherent in finding things harder than you should or than everyone else (apparently) around you.

Without faith it's impossible to please God (Hebrews 11 v 6) I've wondered lately if the works that prove our faith that James & others refer to could also mean the fact that sometimes we have to work at having faith!
I'm really working at the moment to trust God that:

1. I can find somewhere suitable to live in Eastbourne before too long; I'm now dividing my time between 3 towns & it would be good to be able to drop one!
Although - I like driving & I am still happy with my current home & don't feel ready to move, for some reason

2. He will guide me about my future - I don't see this job as long term somehow - & He will make clear any ministry or work He wants to lead me into. The heart for children ... plus for youngsters, which I think was shown in the emotional response I recently experienced when praying with 2 young girls, is not being utilised by him at the moment.
But at the prophetic day, He said 'keep working, keep serving' - guess that's an answer if not the one wanted!

3. There will come a point (soon?) when I know I am totally healed
Well I did have encouragement recently at the prophecy workshop when I 'ended up' in a group with a lady known for her prophetic gift who had words about this for me

4. I am well enough to do this new job - the biggie for me
In the past I'll have had a few months' phase of being better, then God has moved me into something else just when I've changed again and been tireder.

Which proves that He looks after me EVERY step of the way & in EVERY detail ...

Guess that's enough evidence of God's goodness, faithfulness & concern to be going on with!! This site is helping my confidence loads and providing me with a fab opportunity to share what God's been doing. Along with leading me clearly into the most open, welcome, friendly, vibrant & growing church I have ever encountered (and I've been to a few over the years) ... yes good things are coming.

So now ... do these changes mean that healing is near; this is a permanent job that will require me to be alert & sociable and etc. ...permanently! The 2 things that I've struggled with the most. This accords with the Words I received recently through a lady with a prophetic gift.

I will keep you posted!

Just wait awhile

A glimpse of what could be
His health, her home, their love
Always outside looking on
He gently stays you with His hand

That's not for you
Not just yet
Not just now

While all around you seem to stroll
Into a happiness unknown
I'm asking in your walk with me
A deeper fellowship to know

You're not alone;
I've set you aside
To be more mine

I need some friends to know me well

In whom my deep compassion dwells;

A hurting heart can know me through

My healing spirit shown in you

It's not your time
Not just yet
Just wait awhile

God Loves Me

Please ignore the TRES annoying widgets that have appeared on my site; if anyone knows how to get rid ... any help would be MUCH appreciated!

At my small group this week we watched a video of Joyce Meyer talking about how many people are unaware that they don't really know - deep inside really know - that God loves them; and that this affects our relationships with people. Because it's only if you really appreciate in a fundamental way God's love for you that you can really love others, which is what God has called us to do (1 John especially 5 v 7 -12)

We talked in our group about how some of used to know this more than we do not but over time it's 'slipped away'.

Well I'd just realised that i'd fallen into the trip of feeling resentful about a friend that I think a lot of but who I felt didn't value me really.
Partly through Joyce - God helped me clarify that:
1. firstly I had believed a lie from Satan about this
2. Satan, I believe, was trying to take away my emotional dependence on God and detract from the fact that God valuing me is the only thing that can enable me to truly value myself and then not need other people to value me.
3. My lack of value for myself - ie. not deeply knowing that God loves me - had actually underpinned all this and other problems.
4. It's this that enables us to love unconditionally

Fighting with this resentment I had started to worry that perhaps this was the real me; forgetting all the work that God has done in me over the years; I'm still and always will be, this horrid, resentful person.

God has been speaking to me loads lately on issues that He's been dealing with over time; it's like He's drawing it all together as part of His (inner) healing work. (He's so amazingly patient and can see the end result already - what an exciting thought!)

Related to this, I keep feeling God draw my attention to songs where it talks about 'standing in awe of you'. I felt Him say - I don't want you to be 'in awe' of anybody BUT ME. I realised; that can only happen if I truly am in awe of - & really fully realising - that the powerful, awesome creator God ... loves me!!!

Joyce mentioned the power of speaking aloud the truth - she recommended saying aloud to yourself, several times a day - God loves me'.
Well I can still remember recognising that some inner healing had occured, several years ago, through a few days of saying aloud to myself a few times a particular biblical truth from Isaiah 43 v 4 'You are precious & honoured in my sight .... Sarah... and I love you (Colin Urqhuart Listen and Live)

After listening to Joyce, God gave me a new one for me to say each day:
Thank you Lord that you have loved me with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31 v 3)Try it. It's powerful ... it's true ... and it sets you free.

Holy, Holier, Holiest

Did you know that, because there is no way of saying ‘ier’ or ‘iest’ in Hebrew, when Isaiah 6 talks about the angels worshipping God & singing Holy, Holy, Holy – they are actually singing Holy, Holier, Holiest … not just repeating themselves; It's like Holy cubed!
Well, I found that interesting – it’s that kind of titbit of information that aids understanding of the bible that I really love to hear but you don’t get much in preaches. (One friend from my last church, who used to be a teacher, comes out with stuff like that in his preaches & I well miss it.)
Anyway, the point is - Andrew Wilson at Survivor really made an impression when he talked about the incomprehensible majesty and glory of God & he mentioned how the angels have been worshipping God for hundreds of years, singing holy, holy, holy … but they still haven’t been able to grasp the sheer amazingness of who they’re worshipping.

The other day I just woke up in the middle of the night thinking, how can THAT God possibly love me? I just don’t get it & I probably never will. Why? Why Lord???!!!!???!!!???!
When I start thinking like that I can see why Paul used to go off on one in his letters, getting ‘waylaid’ into writing about how wonderful this truth & this God is.

I also thought; well in the bible (somewhere**) it says the angels look on & wonder at our relationship with God – they’re not ‘chosen’ by Him in the same way; so if they’re spending eternity trying to express & grasp who this God is that they are glorifying … just think how it will be for us in heaven; with our unique ‘mankind’ relationship with God & years of His goodness and character shaping – and most of all His grace – behind us to enhance our love for Him.

And we’ll probably be even further from understanding His grace than we are now!
There are NO words. Holy, Holy, Holy …


Disclaimer: this talk was a few weeks ago now & as my relaying of it will totally strip it of any of the humour, emotion or awe garnered by hearing properly, you can download it - Behold

What blogging means to me

When I’m feeling sad & blue
Or I’ve not enough work to do
I write a blog about God so true
This cheers me up – makes all seem new!

Well I just showed my colleague my site because I am so excited & proud of myself for (finally!) getting right the links to pages & to the subscribe page.

Getting slightly carried away, I said, 'perhaps I should get a job in I.T.'!

He was lovely. He didn't burst out into mocking laughter, as he might have done; he simply agreed yes, it would take you a day to do something ... 'but at least you'd be motivated'!

Proper blog coming later today!

Buddies & Blogs

I love my site! If someone tell me something nice about it, such as the now favourite (!) friend who told me it was thought provoking & well written I am absurdly chuffed; like a new mother might feel when someone says something nice about her baby! (OK, maybe that’s going too far?!) so I’m very happy that a few wonderful friends have agreed (or welcomed the idea, thankyou guys!) to have my blogs sent to them by email (I hope it works, I don’t want to have to get involved with scary things about Feed Burners … I think I’ve done very well improving little technical things in my site but I have my limits!)

I enjoy blogging and I feel God wants me to do it… my target audience is people who might find things I’ve written & be helped … but for me to chat on about my weaknesses etc. is a huge testament to God’s healing work; considering that it was only about 7 years ago I was able to start talking to some friends about things I was going through, having previously ‘kept it all in’ ... but I've realised I need to know that some people are regularly reading my words who I KNOW like or love me and who will be looking at my writing through the eyes of friendship.

But a new job means I don’t know when I’ll write them; because I don’t have the time or inclination outside of work after having been in front of a computer most of the working day.

Because, yes … it’s truth time … apart from this one; my ‘blogs’ aren’t really ‘blogs’! I don’t just write them there & then. Due to the fact that I’m supposed to be doing work while I’m at work (!) I have to do them in stages – on a word document during a couple of days or so. Outrageous but true!
However, since handing in my notice I have totally abandoned my resolution to not be tempted on the internet in this way while at work … despite the increase in work as I frantically attempt to complete NVQ & compile an Admin manual, covering all the knowledge I’ve gained in the last 2 years!

I love reading these blogs. I wish I knew more people who wrote them. But I’m blog-crashing into blog-groups and strangers & ‘surfing’ through I have found some great sites. Facebook I can resist at work; blogs I can’t!

So Facebook; how bonkers is it?! And yet, how useful as well – I don’t want to leave it because it’s really nice being able to send brief comments to my friends' family members or friendly-acquaintances … or busy friends who don’t have the time to email me back but somehow are ‘addicted to Facebook’!!
That ridiculous insecure part of me that still pops up to say hello – albeit in an in increasingly weaker voice looks at the growing number of ‘friends’ & thinks how cool; conveniently forgetting that maybe half of them are people I know who I have barely spoken to … & will probably continue to barely speak to, nice as I’m sure they are – due to the course my life is currently taking & my intermittently unsociable nature.

Perhaps the most bonkers thing about it is that complete strangers are now apparently my ‘friends’! Sometimes this can be really nice; as in the friend of a friend who has left me much-appreciated encouraging comments on blogs that she has enjoyed (you know who you are blogtastic girl) but I’m still not quite sure about the ‘friendship invitation’ from the guy, new to my church, who sent an invitation to every single person in the church’s Facebook group! The confusion was further compounded for me by the fact the friend who persuaded me onto Facebook also sent me the invite to the church group, even though she’s not from that church, which makes it looks like this guy was one of her friends & therefore OK! (OK I’m confused now, let alone anyone reading this.)

I used to be withdrawn, unsociable, afraid, feeling left-out, resentful & easily feeling slights… God has gradually transformed me into a cell-group leading, ‘popping-in on people’ increasingly confident person who likes meeting people; increasingly (mostly!) looks to Him for affirmation and then is able to give it out in turn. So I couldn’t help thinking, on my return last night from an evening spent with friends & their friends; how nice it was to meet new people and to be mixing in the ‘real world’ … virtual life has many advantages; but it just don’t compete to the real thing.

Having said that, I’m still going to make the most of the next few weeks to keep reading those newly discovered blogs that I enjoy so much. Come on one of you blogtastic peeps… write something new!