How do I seem to you?

Well I didn't need to have worried just yet... that I wouldn't need God! Mentally I have been really struggling for a few days; I'd have best described my state as 'commotose' in fact, the second part of of last week. Thursday my colleagues were asking if I was alright as I was so quiet and I kept forgetting obvious information. Just the kind of thing, in fact, that I was worried about before I started here. But it was cool, my neighbours so helpful ... and people I spoke to in 2 other departments couldnt' believe that I'd only been here 6 weeks and comments like 'there must be so much to learn' ... or 'I've been here 12 years and am still learning' were nice to hear!

Friday was the worse for this near catatonic state; praise God that, as usual, his interest in my every day meant that this was a belated moving-in day off booked over 2 weeks ago, when I felt fine. So I wasn't really surprised when my friend who came round for lunch that day (that's... lunch in my new FLAT ... did I mentioned it?!) when mentioning this blog site, said I was like a different person in my writing. She said I was really literate & focussed whereas sometimes in person I can seem to lose interest. How rubbish is that! Not that she said it, but the fact of it. When I thought about it I wasn't surprised. It makes perfect sense, considering the way I can be, that people with me can pick up my mind wandering. Because it actually is like I'm drifting off when I'm feeling like this. How awful that it seems like I'm not interested. (Also, she said my conversation can jump around a bit randomly ... but I knew this already! And it's part of the same thing, I think... I hope (!))

Probably one of the things I like best about blogging is the fact that it enables me to hone my thoughts. I'm hoping that it shows the 'real' me! As I've got better, I've gradually let myself think that this not very clever, random, mind-jumping
person might not actually be how I 'really am' ... it has been an effect of the CFS.

And it also makes sense to me that this mental stagnation re-occurs at times with the healing that's happening. The good thing is that it's less frequent (which, unfortunately makes it more noticeable!) as I get better, sharper & more interested etc.
This also ties in with how I feel about myself as God heals me. The emotional healing is so tied up with my physical /mental one ... as I've got better, I've been increasingly less worried at a deep level about how people see me. If I'm liked etc.

My friend, who works in the care industry, made a really good comment about how most people probably have 'mental health' problems of some kind, because of the world we live in. As part of her explanation, she said "As a Christian we still want to be liked by everybody. BUT as God says, it doesn't matter about what the people on this planet think, it's what God thinks & where your heart is".

BUT, despite the way culture & life can screw us up (should I say 'affect us adversly!') and despite the growing certainty that there's a cause for some of the way I seem ... I think it's so important to be open to God's showing us - maybe through friends, maybe other ways - about how we may need to be changed. (This should ideally be those who have earned the right to be honest with us in that way, because they love us and have built us up first! Certainly makes it a lot easier to take!!)

I loved this quote from UCB notes ages ago so much that I cut it out & kept it in my bible. Some of this applies to me & some doesn't (yet?!) I challenge anybody to not feel recognition of some aspect of it!

"Lord you know better than anybody that I'm getting older and will someday be old. Keep me from being talkative; from the fatal habit of thinking I've got to say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from the need to straighten out everybody's affairs. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. I ask for grace to listen to the tales of others pains and to endure them with patience. But seal my lips when it comes to my own aches & pains for they're increasing and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I ask for improved memory, but even more for a growing humility and a lessening cock-sureness when my memory seems to clash with the memory of others. Teach me that occasionally I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet. I don't want to be a 'saint' because some of them are so hard to live with - and a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Make me thoughtful, but not moody; helpful, but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it, but you know, Lord, I still want to have a few friends at the end. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places and talents in unexpected people, then give me the grace to tell them so. Amen"

Amen to that!