Classics Critiqued

Well I needed to cheer myself up after the last couple of days here; due to circumstances & shuffles I've been opposite a colleague who I'm very fond of generally but who has got me down this last couple of days - I'm hoping this will remedy itself soon.

So - here are some of the critiques of classic films that Empire magazine did in their article that tickled my fancy.. the idea is if you've not seen these films you'll read these and be able to pretend you did. Sorry if you don't like films and/or critics ... but I love both. I've seen all these films, which is why I appreciate these reviews; (I like the films but appreciate the irony inherent in the following...!)

Blade Runner
Genre: Damp Noir
LA 2019. It is raining. A cop comes out of retirement to hunt down four bio-robots but feels a bit weird about the whole thing since he's a bio-robot himself. We know this because some origami, a unicorn & Ridley Scott says so. Still raining.


Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Genre: Sci-fi musical
After a vision through the medium of mashed potato, a man leaves his family to attend a prog-rock concert by visiting aliens. He joins the band and goes on an intergalactic world tour. Disappears. A bit like Richard Dreyfuss' career.


Gone with the Wind
Genre: Long
Scarlett fancies Ashley. Rhett fancies Scarlett. Scarlett marries Charles. Ashley marries Melanie. Scarlett fancies Ashley. Rhett fancies Scarlett. Charles dies. INTERMISSION Scarlett marries Frank. Frank dies. Scarlett marries Rhett. Melanie dies. Ashley gets upset. Scarlett gets upset. Rhett sods off. THE END


Forest Gump
Genre: Stupid
A moron hangs around a bus stop bothering people with his memoirs. Flashbacks include conquering 'Nam, mastering ping-pong, meeting Elvis & inventing the Smiley. He remains oblivious to his achievements throughout. Could be subversive satire on Babyboomer generation. Or just plain annoying. Revealed to have son at the end. Son last seen in the White House.


King King
Genre: Monster travelogue
Giant monkey visits New York. Picks up girl. Has problem catching flight home.