To give or not to give?... that's NOT the question!

Well, I'm another year older. (Apparently!) But am I any wiser? In some ways, definitely yes; in other ways? Hmmm!! I know that when I was younger I used to learn whole passage of the bible off by heart; now the only way I can motivate myself to do a bible study is by doing a correspondence course.

(I passed the last unit by the way; no 8 of the 9 that I need to pass to get a preliminary certificate. Only - they're changing it... so now after 6 I could get a 'can't remember but something not quite as good' and after 12 I get an 'intermediary' one. Four flippen units to go before I get a decent certificate! Luckily I do it for the sake of the study & not the bit of paper (mostly anyway!)

I actually got a comment back from the marker this time ... saying I had a good understanding but my knowledge around the actual book of the bible concerned was 'fluffy'. Says it all really!


Some bible verses I have had to remind myself of just now are around Giving. Financially & regularly - to my church or a Christian organisation I believe in (as I do think that is sometimes appropriate; I'm not keen on too much 'para-church' differentiation & am pleased that I have been able to support fab organisations that I think God led me to. However, biblically it probably makes more sense for it to be the church; hitherto I have split it half & half .)


Anyway; this will be the second month that I haven't given anything material back to God. After having the privilege of helping a friend on her short term mission - something which I really believe in & loved being able to help towards - I need to begin supporting the work of my new church. But ... I've just moved, am £..... overdrawn again and keep finding myself thinking 'well, that extra £100 + a month will help towards getting rid of the debt.'

And that's true - it will. But then I am not looking through the eyes of faith - nor is my faith being outworked in obedience. And I know that 'without faith it's impossible to please God'.

But, in the past, material giving has been an easier type of obedience (when I'm managing my finances especially!) than 'loving my neighbour', among other exmples.

Maybe even those times of giving meant less than the times when I've tithed though poor.

Either way, in my experience God does keeps his promise to provide for his children. But sometimes it feels so tempting to just keep the tithe rather than trust God in this way (oh no ... is that the 'faith' issue again?!)

Having said that, a couple of years ago, when I was really stressed about my finances being so bad and I learned a big lesson about not 'putting God in a box' about this; when a member of the church spoke on the subject & said that it is OK not to tithe when getting out of debt. (Which is common sense really when I think about it.)

When I heard about this I found myself thinking; 'I have NEVER not tithed and I am not about to stop now'! Oops! So I did stop. And it was cool with God I think- and I started again when I felt it was right.

But it would be easy to put up excuses for not giving to God in this way. So I had to find some verses to remind myself when I should: 2 Cor 8 v 6 is a really good one - as is Acts 20 v 35 & Phil 4 v 18

And it totally is more blessed to give than to receive. And that doesn't just mean money - giving your time & resources (like the people who helped me move) ... hospitality these are just a few examples of how it can be enjoyable to give. And being able to have people round now for me is giving me SO much pleasure. I do get fed up of feeling like I'm always the receiver sometimes...in fact there's been times when I've found it hard to receive; and have spoiled the pleasure of people who, possibly out of obedience to God, were giving to me!

I liked this sentence in the John Ortberg book I'm reading. In the chapter entitled 'remember your stuff isn't yours' he writes (& I don't have the verse for this, I think he got it from Psalm 24 v1...)

King David once said to God 'But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this?'. He doesn't ask, 'what's the least amount I can give & not get God ticked off?' He says 'who am I that I should be able to give like this? I want to use my stuff to build your kingdom not my kingdom'..

As John says - it's not my stuff. And one day I will have to give account.

When it comes down to it, God is not demanding I give or he will withhold blessings from me. But his injunction to give is clear, and it's something I've enjoyed doing in less impoverished times. And either I trust God to take care of me financially/materially, as he does in other ways & as he has in the past. Or I don't.

What Mary was thinking?

OK Feedburner has been playing up so hopefully this won't be delivered as two blogs, dear friends (I try not to blog more than once a week as I don't want to get on your nerves (!) ... but just had to share this wonderful passage I just found by A Plass on his blogspage; it moved me so much.

Today I do not want to be a branch of the Vine
Or a part of the body
Or a sheep in the flock of the Good Shepherd
Or the bride of Christ
Or a disciple
Or a servant
Or an inheritor of the kingdom
Or a citizen of heaven
Or visited by angels
Or greatly blessed,
Or deeply troubled
Or someone else’s mother
I just want to get my son down from this wooden thing
And take him home
And make him better
And give him something to eat
And hear him laugh
And persuade him to give up being the Messiah
And go back to carpentry

Culturally Flexible

Well, it's so hard to be thinking about how to witness at work when there's so much to learn & it's all buzzing around my head. But I need to reasses my priorities perhaps; last week, my desire to change my blog page became border-line obsessional (!) once I'd decided I had to keep going to the library/ staying late here to titivate & faff around with it.
I think I'll need to watch this & make sure it doesn't take over free time when I could be reaching out to my colleagues.

We've just had two great preaches in a row at church; and yesterday was a mixture of challenge & reassurance about witnessing; especially encouraging to those who have friends who know the facts about Christianity but are still 'counting the cost' - and included a timely (for me) reminder that steps 9 - 10 on the Engel Scale to which he referred (i.e. the last step to making a commitment) can sometimes take people years.

The week before the talk on culture also really helped with another area. He showed us how a sometimes-difficult passage of the bible - talking about not eating food sacrificed to idols - is relevant to us now. Speaking on 1 Corinthians 8 & 10 v23 + he talked about keeping a theologically stable centre to our life but being culturally flexible.


(He used illustration of a bicycle wheel - hub must remain stable but wheel must turn. If the hub isn't fixed - or if the wheel is - it doesn't work).

By keeping a stable 'hub' of faith he meant keeping firm the main & obvious theological points such as Jesus' being raised from the dead (!) and certain standards of behaviour ("if you're a teenager/young person in a relationship & you ask 'how far is too far - then you've probably gone too far!")

He made the point that we all have a culture but we don't realise it necessarily, because we're so used to it. And he reminded us that as Christians, we are as alien to our culture, as we would be as Brits in, say, Nigeria. Of course, in many cultures around the world, like the culture Paul was addressing, food is a big cultural issue that can cause problems; to them this passage would be more relevant seeming than to us.

However, Sunday's sermon shed light on those niggles of uncertainty that I can get, about other cultural areas. He used films as an illustration of how people can have different points of view on cultural issues, which may be valid, but the fact you don't agree with them don't make you - or them - wrong. In some countries, cultural issues can become tied in with the theology, so people take on certain standards of dress.

There is a need for us to maintain a cultural flexibility.
Someone who has seen the negative/destructive effects of witchcraft might really think Harry Potter is wrong to watch. And I can see their point; witchcraft is wrongly shown as accessible and lighthearted. I personally don't have trouble with Harry (!) having enjoyed all the books; but I do feel a deep unease at the thought of seeing the Golden Compass film.

Andrew's talk highlighted how, if I were a newer Christian, my inclination to avoid this film (a combination of the anti-Christian stance of the author & the use of characters called 'daemons' who are people's companions) If I was a newer Christian ...This may cause all sorts of confusion and worry if a stronger Christian said it was OK. I could have gone to see it, still felt 'not right' about it & battled with needless feelings of guilt. (As it is, I just won't see it but have no trouble with other Christians seeing it)


This is the kind of guilt that Paul was teaching to avoid. The point is - as Paul says - to regard these worries & concerns through the eyes of love, as we come across different christians with different cultural values.

Some comments from the latest book by John Ortberg, which are, sort, relevant (!)

Wise people build their lives around what is eternal & squeeze in what is temporary.

Every human being you see is a cleverly disguised receptacle of eternity.

What is done out of love for God will last

How do I seem to you?

Well I didn't need to have worried just yet... that I wouldn't need God! Mentally I have been really struggling for a few days; I'd have best described my state as 'commotose' in fact, the second part of of last week. Thursday my colleagues were asking if I was alright as I was so quiet and I kept forgetting obvious information. Just the kind of thing, in fact, that I was worried about before I started here. But it was cool, my neighbours so helpful ... and people I spoke to in 2 other departments couldnt' believe that I'd only been here 6 weeks and comments like 'there must be so much to learn' ... or 'I've been here 12 years and am still learning' were nice to hear!

Friday was the worse for this near catatonic state; praise God that, as usual, his interest in my every day meant that this was a belated moving-in day off booked over 2 weeks ago, when I felt fine. So I wasn't really surprised when my friend who came round for lunch that day (that's... lunch in my new FLAT ... did I mentioned it?!) when mentioning this blog site, said I was like a different person in my writing. She said I was really literate & focussed whereas sometimes in person I can seem to lose interest. How rubbish is that! Not that she said it, but the fact of it. When I thought about it I wasn't surprised. It makes perfect sense, considering the way I can be, that people with me can pick up my mind wandering. Because it actually is like I'm drifting off when I'm feeling like this. How awful that it seems like I'm not interested. (Also, she said my conversation can jump around a bit randomly ... but I knew this already! And it's part of the same thing, I think... I hope (!))

Probably one of the things I like best about blogging is the fact that it enables me to hone my thoughts. I'm hoping that it shows the 'real' me! As I've got better, I've gradually let myself think that this not very clever, random, mind-jumping
person might not actually be how I 'really am' ... it has been an effect of the CFS.

And it also makes sense to me that this mental stagnation re-occurs at times with the healing that's happening. The good thing is that it's less frequent (which, unfortunately makes it more noticeable!) as I get better, sharper & more interested etc.
This also ties in with how I feel about myself as God heals me. The emotional healing is so tied up with my physical /mental one ... as I've got better, I've been increasingly less worried at a deep level about how people see me. If I'm liked etc.

My friend, who works in the care industry, made a really good comment about how most people probably have 'mental health' problems of some kind, because of the world we live in. As part of her explanation, she said "As a Christian we still want to be liked by everybody. BUT as God says, it doesn't matter about what the people on this planet think, it's what God thinks & where your heart is".

BUT, despite the way culture & life can screw us up (should I say 'affect us adversly!') and despite the growing certainty that there's a cause for some of the way I seem ... I think it's so important to be open to God's showing us - maybe through friends, maybe other ways - about how we may need to be changed. (This should ideally be those who have earned the right to be honest with us in that way, because they love us and have built us up first! Certainly makes it a lot easier to take!!)

I loved this quote from UCB notes ages ago so much that I cut it out & kept it in my bible. Some of this applies to me & some doesn't (yet?!) I challenge anybody to not feel recognition of some aspect of it!

"Lord you know better than anybody that I'm getting older and will someday be old. Keep me from being talkative; from the fatal habit of thinking I've got to say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from the need to straighten out everybody's affairs. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. I ask for grace to listen to the tales of others pains and to endure them with patience. But seal my lips when it comes to my own aches & pains for they're increasing and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I ask for improved memory, but even more for a growing humility and a lessening cock-sureness when my memory seems to clash with the memory of others. Teach me that occasionally I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet. I don't want to be a 'saint' because some of them are so hard to live with - and a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Make me thoughtful, but not moody; helpful, but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it, but you know, Lord, I still want to have a few friends at the end. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places and talents in unexpected people, then give me the grace to tell them so. Amen"

Amen to that!

Only when I need Him?

Well I am now officially a 'country girl' displaced!

OK, I know the sea is great, majestic etc. & I do love the sounds of the waves on the stones. But I don't see how you can beat trees for beauty. No longer will I be able to look out of my lovely big window at trees ... or follow a path down to a woods & fields within 10 minutes of my front door (sigh!)

HOWEVER, there are more plusses to my move; the flat is self contained & bigger & so much nicer, I'm looking forward to getting to know a bigger town & I'm near new friends; & I'll now be living, working & churching in the same town; a first. (Did I mention; a 5 minute walk to work ... lovely view of the Downs from my desk...)

Three people helped me move; it was SO painless thanks to their commitment & serving hearts. After my stuff was in, 3 of us went to collect the lovely table & chairs I'd been sold by my new boss at low cost, just the perfect size for my little flat. THEN... someone had given me money for a washing machine; so it was suggested that, while we had the van and the the help - why not buy the machine so they could plumb it in. So we did. And they did! And we found one for the exact amount given, in the 2nd shop we went to. (THEN - next day at church a new friend had a little fridge she needed to get rid of, and brought it round that afternoon.)

Flip God is so amazing with detailed way he looks after those who look to him for help. (Just a little sofa now & I'm equipped!) I wonder if those giving, servant-hearted, practically-helpful people realise how much God is glorified through them?

And the job; no need to worry about the long term situation with this job it seems - that being OK to be talking to people all day would be dependent on how things were going with me. Even when I'm not feeling particularly sociable, I'm still OK to do this job.

On the first day back at work this year something was bringing me down and I'd been trying to feel angry to avoid feeling upset about it, but it wasn't working. I thought ... what if I'm not able to be professional; I can't just be in my own little world to deal with it now, like I could before! However, when I did have tricky 'phone calls I was still able to be sympathetic and calm.

I like having a job where I can help people; advise them where to go even if it's not here, just listening sometimes: I love it. I'm finding how sympathy and interest can calm down the most irritated of people (well, mostly!) Dealing with people all day and not knowing what request I'm going to face - I'm actually finding it stimulating. (After all that tremulousness about it, the timing of this job was perfect; as is everything in God's plan).

Ups & downs are still happening frequently for me, as God deep heals. But at the moment I'm busy and feeling OK; meeting with friends more and finding how that (& a busy job) keeps your mind from dwelling on past things (in a good way).

The only thing is: I'm not going to God so much at the moment; if I'm out more & coming in later, doing a bit of cooking or pottering because I'm so up to it... or getting in late & putting the TV on before bed time ... where's the sitting down with God? How will he continue to heal me when I'm not waiting on him so earnestly as I have been? In the car, the radio has been back on all the time at the moment rather than off so I can praise or petition Jesus. I can see the fruit of all that closeness & discovery in all that I've learned and am able to share & encourage people with. But I kind of hoped it would mean I would always find it easy to stay close to God. Clearly not! If this happens when I'm temporarily feeling OK/busy/good ... what about if that becomes more long term?

God's so good though; he still is working in me powerfully; and let's face it, nothing's ever going to be all OK. Relying on God for money, to try & save etc. ... there will always be something to throw me on him, to rely on him for. And I'm not healed yet.

I was talking to a friend recently about how when you're having a hard time you're thrown on God and trust him more and the joy in that closeness is just great, even though life is horrible. If I'm going to have better times, be well and busy and able to move on in life.... I will have to really discpline myself to get those times with God. (How ridiculous; when they're so wonderful)

I did come across something really cool in the New Frontiers magazine recently; just a comment by a writer about bringing up his family as Christians & how 2 of his kids did daily bible notes but the other one got on better doing a longer stint once a week. Something, since my weekly prayer diary discovery, that I've just found out about myself & which can really helps now take away that guilt I can feel - which the enemy uses to try & stop us talking to God- about coming to God in a disciplined way when I haven't for a while.

Will I be able to keep a closeness to God - with proper disciplined times with him and still praying/praising him throughout the day, even if I am consistently feeling good, or things are going well or when I'm healed?
Lord ... you know my heart. I'm relying on you to help me!